A Short List of Sh*tty Things Guys Have Done to Me

It’s another 11 months until the next Festivus, but there’s room for an airing of grievances year-round in blog town. Although I’ve been trying to keep the negativity and complaining down to a minimum on social media, I also feel a need to report the thoughtless actions of the unnamed perpetrators.

Undoubtedly this post has its cathartic purposes for me. But if it helps someone else realize that sh*tty things are being done to them, then more power to them. My terrible dating choices are something we can all learn from.

Talk about how hot every blonde woman who appeared on the television screen was. As you may have noticed, I am very not blonde. (At least, I haven’t been since I was about 7.) One day, I was hanging out with this guy I’d sort of kind of been seeing but not really. We were watching the English-language movie channel and, lo and behold, many a skinny, blonde-haired, blue-eyed actress showed up in the shot. For each and every one of these actresses, he seemed to have some proposition set up. It was either “I’d do anything to have sex with blah-de-blah” or “I would do reprehensible things just to go to bed with [whatever her name was.]”

Look, acknowledging the attractiveness of a celebrity is perfectly fine. But continually going on and on about the things you’d do to boink someone you haven’t even seen in real life is weird and inconsiderate, especially when it’s around someone you’re involved with. It was one of those moments where someone is doing something so wrong and so rude that you aren’t fully processing the stupidity that is unfolding in front of you. It’s as if the question “WHY?” is repeating itself over and over again so loudly in your head that you just cannot muster a reaction other than “Yeeeeah…”

confused-toddler
Even blonde children would be weirded out by the aforementioned behavior. (via GIPHY)

Video chat a couple of girls and tell them how he wanted to watch them take a bath… The morning after a regrettable hook-up, this ass-hat of a human asks to use my laptop to send a few Facebook messages since his phone is dead. (No big whoop – I get the frustration.) But then he proceeds to video chat these two girls as I’m sitting a mere 4-5 feet away. (I keep a sticker over the camera lens on my computer ’cause, you know, Mark Zuckerberg did it and blah blah blah.) So these two girls, who can’t see me scrolling through my phone in my underwear, start talking about how they had checked into a love motel (which is common in Korea if you need a place to crash for the night,) and how they took a bath together. His reply, “Ah, man, I wish I could have been there.”

OH, SO SORRY YOU HAD TO GET LAID INSTEAD.

…And then take a massive dump in my toilet. Perhaps the sh*ttiest one of this list if ya catch my drift, har har har. But if it weren’t for the outright tone-deaf move beforehand, this perhaps wouldn’t have been more than an off-hand comment in a post on a completely different topic.

bad-smell
Dude, I had a fan and a full bottle of Febreeze in there. (via GIPHY)

Take me out for a date and then end it early when he notices 2 missed calls from the girl he likes more. The place: Chipotle. The time: Junior year of high school. The cell phone: Likely a Razr, but maybe I’m just painting this era with a broad brush. Granted, we’re talking about teenagers here, but for me it was only the beginning.

razr-phone
“What’s that, Chrissy*? Sure, I’ll drop Kim off at home and be there faster than it takes me to write ‘I’m a mega ding-dong’ on this phone.” (via GIPHY)

Let his hallucinations in a sensory deprivation tank determine the direction of our relationship. I’ll admit that this one is more bizarre than it is mean-spirited. This guy and I were “on-and-off-again” for about 3 weeks because he got a Groupon for some isolation tank operation back in Chicago. Before he went, he told me he needed to have some more time alone. (At this point we were spending nearly every available hour we had together.) Fair enough, I thought. But about an hour after his first session, he called me up and took me out to a movie. He then decided that the whole “break” was a mistake and that we should continue on as planned. Another enlightening dip in the hippie tank and he was dumping me outside of a burrito joint in Noble Square that’s probably long since shut down.

sensory-deprivation-tank
If only life imitated art in this situation. (via GIPHY)

Not introduce me to people as his girlfriend. I think this one goes without explaining. If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and sleeps with you then you have a ducking girlfriend.

latrice royale no.gif
I want to live in this GIF – it’s so perfect. (via GIPHY)

On the bright side, I’ve certainly taken something away from these unfortunate experiences. Knowing when to walk away and call a dingus out are two very important skills for a modern lady to have, in my opinion. Without said skills, I’d be stuck dating guys who “don’t want to put labels on things”, would rather watch their friends take baths, or make a mental list of what they’d do to get in bed with a celebrity – only to have them change their minds after a trip to their local sensory-deprivation tank center.

Featured Image via GIPHY


*Name changed because honestly I can’t remember her name. All I can tell you is that it definitely was not Chrissy.

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